The Urban Climber Abridged Climbing Almanac

Hey you, newbie. I’ve been asked to welcome you to “climbing.” We’re a tribe, you see, and the tribe wouldn’t want to send you to the big pow-wow all by your lonesome with no sage guidance.

Seriously, welcome. Climbing is not like surfing. You won’t get a bunch of attitude for climbing in some local’s area… unless your dog pees on one of their rope bags. Anyway, you’ll find it to be a pretty friendly scene. There are plenty of cliffs and boulders to go around. We appreciate people who want to climb rocks. We appreciate new belayers.

Before you read further, be warned: good advice is rare among climbers. This is probably the reason we became climbers in the first place. Why climb? Many of us climb because we failed in some way to measure up to the spectacle of organized school sports. Psychologists say we climb to compensate for certain other inadequacies. Plenty of us climb because we’re... more... comfortable... moving... sloooowly, not all reckless and out of control like mountain bikers. Some people even liken climbing to chess. Is that a compliment?

Some people become climbers because they like the reaction it provokes in other people. Parents, for example. There was no better way to elicit a show of... concern... from my mother than to say, “I want to take a day off school to go rock climbing.” My dad, on the other hand, intuitively sensed the underbelly of the activity. He saw me in his mind’s eye out in the woods somewhere, acting like James Dean in rock boots — a rebel without a cause.

You have probably already noticed that climbing has an outcast element. Despite getting into the X Games, climbing is not mainstream. For example, it’s still not in the Olympics, although passionate attempts have been made since the late 1980s (and currently). Even beach volleyball got in before us — how humiliating is that? So forget about fame and fortune. The bottom line is: climbing may be sexy, but it is not a practical path. To anywhere. It will tend to make you a less practical person the deeper you get into it. Repeat that to yourself: “Climbing will make me less practical.” You OK with that? Great. You’re fitting right in.

Maybe, like many climbers, you think practicality is overrated. This is a noble axiom to live by, but it must be carefully balanced with that other gem of conventional wisdom, “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” So ask questions, even if you feel uncool admitting your inexperience. The most uncool thing of all is to be a dangerous climber. And face it, the way you skate your feet and slap for holds, and chalk up when it’s not your turn, you are uncool anyway, so get over it. Strive humbly for knowledge, and you will be rewarded. Bathroom reading should include not just UCMag, but knots-and-rigging manuals. Learn how to train and avoid injury. Basically, don’t take climbing lightly, even if other climbers seem to. Experience teaches, but it also tries to trick you: a long spell without mishaps can lull some climbers into careless habits. It’s up to you to understand the systems. Make sure your friends understand the systems. Most of all, get it: climbing can kill you, so show the rock some respect.

Okay, end of warning rant. On to the how-tos. I don’t know what it’s like to “rush” a frat or sorority, but it’s probably not much worse than trying to find partners when you’re starting out in climbing. Ideally, the milling tribe of partnered-up climbers would notice that deer-in-headlights look on your face and present you with a mentor, who would selflessly step forward to teach you the dark arts. Uhhh... sorry, that’s unlikely. Not one of the tribal rituals, apparently. So you may be on your own for a while. A minor hazing. It’s good for you.

Your best bet is bouldering. That’s how I got started, so if any old-schooler gives you a hard time for being “just” a boulderer, remind him that it is “a traditional entry into mountaineering.” Have him consider the Parisian alpinists of the 1930s who mostly bouldered at Fontainebleau, and remind him that Royal Robbins was a boulderer. Then go find out who Royal Robbins was. Is.

You don’t need a partner for bouldering, but chances are you’ll fall in with other climbers, which you must do to survive. Join a gym that has bouldering. Better yet, boulder outdoors. Climbing on natural rock, even without a rope, teaches you many subtleties ever-present on all cliffs, regardless of size. Any time there’s an opportunity to climb with a group, take it—even if you have to skip work. It won’t be the last time you shirk your responsibilities to go climbing. Get used to it.

Once you’ve been out a few times—when you’re a true newbie and no longer a wannabe—you’ll be introduced to one of our ugly little secrets: an obsession with numbers. Not content with the green, blue, black of skiing or the five classes of kayaking, climbers have divided roped rock climbing into almost 40 degrees of difficulty, with ice climbing, aid climbing, and bouldering having their own numerical scales. Now imagine, on that scale from 1 to 40, that you give a certain climb a 24. Some guy you barely know will start a serious debate with you because he thinks it’s a 23.

Sorry about that, but whatever. If you can use grades just to help you stay in the game and improve, without taking them too seriously, you’ve accomplished a great deed. Otherwise, just chase numbers like the rest of us.

From there on it’s gravy, a simple matter of mastering a bazillion exotic techniques, developing forearms the size of most people’s calves, and completely overcoming the instinctual human fear of heights. Actually, those are all optional, and the last one’s even a bad idea. Without that edgy feeling produced by irrational fear, climbing might become boring. Or like chess.

So good luck. Climb hard. Climb safe. And remember what’s most important: respecting nature and other people. On behalf of the tribe, I ask you simply: wipe your feet before stepping on to the rock, don’t carry any piece of gear you don’t know how to use, and belay or spot as if someone’s life depended on it—always. Finally, continue to ask yourself what exactly you hope to accomplish by climbing. Don’t expect a good answer. Just keep asking.

ONE: Learn the clove hitch and Munter hitch if you can. They’re incredibly useful for when you forget or drop your fancy gear. People before you used them because they work.

TWO: Remember to research how to get DOWN from long multipitch climbs. This prevents resentment, headaches, and long days that turn into nights.

THREE: The rope backpack — more useful than you’d imagine.

FOUR: Seems simple, but know the difference between a flash (first attempt with prior knowledge), an onsight (first attempt with no knowledge), a redpoint (sending anytime after your first try), and a pinkpoint (sending with the gear already in place). Don’t lie about these.

FIVE: 8a equals 5.13b. Learn the French scale of grading, but don’t use it all the time. Too much will make you sound like a snob.

SIX: Learn how to shit in the woods.

SEVEN: Also for the sake of land managers, access, and your fellow climber, learn how to clean it up.

EIGHT: Poison ivy: recognize it and avoid it. Use rubbing alcohol immediately after contact. Quit touching everything.

NINE: Unless you’re in a dangerous situation, pull down until you fall off. It’s the only way to maintain dignity.

TEN: Practice your rodeo clipping at uncrowded crags so you don’t make a fool of yourself in front of people at more crowded crags.

ELEVEN: If multiple draws are hanging on a route, they are not yours to take. Use ’em and leave ’em.

TWELVE: This is not true for isolated pieces of pro that were obviously abandoned or bail biners.

THIRTEEN: Learn how to load a Grigri. If you’re not sure, ask someone who is. It is terrifying for the leader to have to “hold on” while you flip it around.

FOURTEEN: There will always be someone out there who is better at climbing than you.

FIFTEEN: Some notable ascents: To Bolt or Not To Be, Smith Rock, Oregon (1988; first 5.14 established in the U.S., FA by J.B. Tribout); Punks in the Gym, Mt. Arapiles, Australia (1985; Wolfgang Gullich nabs the first 5.14); the Nose, El Capitan, Yosemite (1958; Warren Harding and team take 45 days and 125 bolts to f nish the climb); the Nose, El Capitan, Yosemite (1993; Lynn Hill makes the coveted first free ascent of the 3,000-foot route); Akira, Charente, France (1995; Fred Rouhling’s debated first 5.15); Realization, Ceuse, France (2006; Chris Sharma’s undisputed first 5.15)

SIXTEEN: Wiping the crud off your shoes before you start a climb is more advantageous than you think (and courteous). Make a habit of it.

SEVENTEEN: Climbing has no room for pride. It’s a process, so be content to learn slowly with great humility.

EIGHTEEN: Do NOT use climbing lingo in everyday conversation, e.g. “Here’s the Beta on driving to my house.” “Getting an underager in the bar is the crux of the situation.” “I totally onsighted that chick last night.”

NINETEEN: Know whether your cord is going to reach the ground upon lowering your friends; this should go without saying, but alas, people seem to slide off the ends every year

TWENTY: Learn some crack climbing skills. They are infinitely useful outside the gym where cracks actually occur.

TWENTY-ONE: Trim in the gym. It’s a place for training, so your prussiks, belay devices, adventure slings, Nalgenes, car keys, approach shoes, etc. don’t really need to be attached to your harness for toproping.

TWENTY-TWO: A file, nail clippers, and tape should always have a place in your bag. The skin on your fingers will thank you. On that note... take care of your foot fungus. Really. It’s disgusting.

TWENTY-THREE: Don’t get caught with an unopenable beer bottle around camp.

TWENTY-FOUR: Work, scratch, and save for at least one international climbing trip in your life. We promise you won’t regret it.

TWENTY-FIVE: Talk soft. Climb hard. Think highly of yourself privately and highly of others publicly. In the end, make sure you’re still having fun.

(WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A JACKASS)

I've been climbing now for a number of years. Enough that you wouldn’t call me a bumbly gumby, and I give advice more than I ask for it, but not so many that I have “back in the day” stories. I’ve also somehow managed to present the image that I climb relatively hard, even though I really don’t with any sort of consistency. I owe this mostly to my methods for achievement sharing, which I’m now passing onto you, so you can win friends and impress girls (or boys) with your accomplishments.

• Let your friends spray on your behalf. You’ll look humble for not bringing it up. Plus, who doesn’t like someone else bragging on you?
• Let them lead. Not literally, of course, but if someone asks you what you did today, don’t launch straight into sloper descriptions of your mega proj. Just tell them where you went. Let them ask questions until they’re specific enough to give details. If they don’t, they don’t care at all.
• Make friends with photographers. These guys and girls will make your measly 30-foot road-cut projects look like Jumbo Love, which will not only impress your friends but get them to ask what and where the object of sprayification is. Plus, you can tag yourself in photos on Facebook as a way of spraying passively.
• Shut up. The less you say, the more people are free to assume, so if someone asks you about a project you’re working on, don’t tell them that you haven’t done all the moves and can only link the section to the first bolt. Telling them you’re working on it isn’t a lie, and no one is going to ask you any more questions about it.
• Cancel plans. Some people, when they find out what a rock star you’ve become, are going to try to take you out to rope gun for them or be a partner on something hard together. It’s best to assess the situation, determine the odds of you making a fool out of yourself, and then bail completely due to other unforeseen events. “Nah brah, I’m out on the Diamond this weekend, my dog Flash is chundering all over the house.” If you do find yourself in these situations, it’s best to have your excuses prepared beforehand.
• Delete your 8a.nu account. Not because it’s bad to keep track of your ascents like that, but because it’s too easy to see how few hard climbs you’ve actually done.

—Andrew Tower

Two types of people exist in this world: women and men. I’m an average 5-foot-2 all-American 27-year-old girl with small feet, narrow hips, over-developed shoulders, and abnormally long arms. I spent my youth tumbling around gymnastics gyms until puberty struck and I felt awkward wearing skin-tight leotards. In high school, my neighbor introduced me to rock climbing. Now, every aspect of my life — from my residence to my occupation, diet, and relationships — revolves around climbing. In this community, there is still a disproportionate amount of women compared to men. Often times, I’m the only lady at the crag, which can be a blessing or a hassle.

It’s no secret: being a climber girl has its advantages. A soft touch on the shoulder and a bat of the eyelashes can get a girl practically anything she wants. You can always find a date, a belay, or a close spot (sometimes too close). If someone gets a top-down photo of you in just a sports bra and hot pants, you can pretty much guarantee it will get published. Guys, to wit: how many times have you found yourself caddying pads or gear while your little lady friend tromps around with only her shoes and lunch? How many girls do you see building campfires? How many women do you know who have gotten out of speeding tickets and into events for free?

We are all aware of this unspoken code. But just as it helps to be tall for reachy moves, short for scrunchy sit starts, or have small fingers for tight cracks, there are benefits and disadvantages to being a woman. In the end, it all evens out. I can’t change who I am. I’ll always be a girl, and I’ll always be a climber.

THE PROBLEM: THE SOLUTION

• Short on chalk: Remember Alex Honnold in The Sharp End? Buck up, buttercup.
  
• Elvis leg: Keep your toe on the wall. Push down with your heel.
  
• Spray lords: Spray back, but use a real hose.
  
• Failing on your project: See page 64
  
• Hangover: Gatorade, Advil
  
• Wet project: Work on something else. There’s always tomorrow.
  
• Spinning bolt: The Kong TRIK nut tool doubles as a wrench.
  
• No water: Next time remember, dummy.
  
• Hurt finger: Ice, tape, abs, climbing films
  
• Falling asleep while belaying: Grigri

CONDUCTING YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET

Most self-help books (many of which I’ve read) will at some point urge you to stop trying to make the rest of the world into a carbon copy of yourself. Negative. The world would be a much better, happier, fluffi er place if other climbers would just act the way I do online and follow my one rule: Don’t be that guy. Though simple, that rule is bit arcane since that guy can assume many faces. Allow me to expand.

MR. ISOLATED: If you ever get off the couch and decide to be something more than an Internet climber, you will realize the online community is a lot smaller than you think. You will realize that all those usernames are real live people that you actually see and climb next to from time to time. Let this realization be your guiding light as you interact digitally.

MR. LOGICIAN: A thread mourning one of our comrades who has fallen in the line of duty is not the time to whine that other people’s irresponsible actions are making your insurance premiums go up. Nor is it the time remind us that climbing is dangerous, that people will die, and thus, there is no reason to mourn. Your syllogisms are not welcome at a virtual wake.

MR. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: If you call every route “soft” on your 8a.nu scorecard, you will be called a sandbagger. Just because you claim a route is easy for the grade makes you neither stronger nor more awesome.

MR. SEXUAL FRUSTRATION: Try to keep your frustration under wraps. Catcalling chicks on a forum makes you an even bigger jerk than doing it in real life. Besides, they’re probably dudes anyway. And I know you are still trying to impress your hot third grade English teacher, but come on Spelling Nazis. Give it a rest already.

MR. SPECIAL: Despite what mommy said, nothing but your fingerprint is unique. Lots of other folks are just as strong as (probably stronger than) you are. You are not the first person to wonder if you should buy Camalots or Friends. Your trip report is boring and hackneyed. We’ve seen 1,000 other people post the same recap, so unless you write like Hemingway or just killed Bigfoot, we don’t want to read yours.

MR. EVERYTHING: It is impossible to be a well-rounded climber on the Internet. If you claim to climb 5.13, the obvious corollary to the online peanut gallery is that you have no balls and probably can’t place a hex if your life depended on it. If you claim to love climbing things like the Petite Grepon, we will assume that you have a beard, are about 20 pounds overweight, and project V-easy. To convince us otherwise is near impossible, so just accept your typecast role out there and get on with it. Better yet, go outside and get off your computer.

P.S. Arnold apologizes for exclusive and probably sexist use of “Mr.” but he believes that the female climber’s hand smells like roses and can type no wrong.

—By Arnold Braker

Let me preface with this: I don’t hate dogs. In fact, in the right context, I rather enjoy them. The main reason I don’t own one is because they are a concrete representation of responsibility and commitment. Cliché, I know, but that’s how it is for us twenty-something males. Anyway, back to the point. Your friendly summer backyard cookout is a great place to bring that scruffy creature and win some sensitivity points with the ladies. Busy crags, like Rifle Canyon, however, are not.

The topic of dogs at climbing areas is definitely a controversial one. Some may argue that their pooches are docile, friendly, and non-destructive. Well, little Flash may be obedient when you’re sharing your vegan-friendly tofu-sprout sandwich with him in your Subaru, or when he’s been dognapped and hog-tied by irate belayers. But when he splashes in the nearby creek and shakes his wet ass all over my double-dry, duodess 70-meter rope, he’s definitely not THIS man’s best friend. When I’m trying to (finally) send my Rifle warm-up (a feat that does require all my concentration), the last thing I want to hear is my belayer yelling at a leashless mutt who just stole the string cheese out of his pack. Besides, if dogs have to be tied up and immobile for hours while their owners are scampering up rock walls, they’d likely rather be at home, twitching in their sleep as they dream about slow-moving squirrels.

Now let’s flip a coin. Some pooches actually are better behaved than certain climbers I know. They heed their masters willfully and without hesitation, dutifully following behind on a trail, staying off the rope, and not barking at every... passing... climber. However, these dogs are hard to come by, and it seems as though many owners don’t realize the impact dogs can have at the crag.

Dogs don’t pay attention to Leave No Trace. And why would they? When in the woods, their inner wolf springs to life. They enter a fantasy world where they become the hunter, and they have control of the lay of the land. Well, some dogs, at least. Just make sure to bring the baggies and pick up after them. Nothing soils (literally) my day more than stepping in a steamy pile. I used Rifle as an example earlier because it seems to be the fifth circle of hell when it comes to dogs (the sixth and seventh being any dog park in Boulder and Paris Hilton’s house, respectively).

Dogs are wonderful companions; they’re loyal, protective, playful, and great stand-in cuddlers when your girlfriend ditches your Coleman tent for the nearby pro climber’s conversion van. I know your furry little quadruped listens to all your problems and lets you cry sweet, sweet tears into his luscious coat. But he doesn’t lead, belay, or even yell, “Allez!” (incessant barking doesn’t count), so maybe he doesn’t belong at the crag.

Over the years, these anecdotal experiences, taken in light of my flagging legal education, have led me to the following conclusion: the appropriateness of dogs at crags is strikingly similar to the appropriate exercise of free speech. Just like the First Amendment’s guaranteed right to free speech, dogs are subject to appropriate restrictions of time, place, and manner. You are free to stand on the street corner and distribute handbills advocating the destruction of democracy; however, you can’t shout “fire” in a movie theater. Similarly, Fletch is a welcome addition to the local park or sparsely populated climbing area, but come on — don’t bring him to Boulder Canyon on a sunny, warm Saturday afternoon.

—Maury Birdwell

PEOPLE WITH WHOM WE'D LIKE TO CLIMB

• MATT DAMON — For the Facebook fans.
• TOMMY CALDWELL — He’s one of the most well-rounded climbers ever.
• SHARMA — Should really go without saying.
• DAILA OJEDA — She’s stronger AND better looking than every climber we know.
• ADAM ONDRA — Like Sharma, only younger, stronger, and not afraid to have an 8a.nu scorecard so we can be jealous of each of his sends.
• MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY — He figured out how to make a living running on the beach shirtless. Surely he’d be fun to climb with.
• JUDE LAW — We saw on TMZ that he said he was quite the rock climber. Prove it.
• TIM KEMPLE — He will make our meager ascents look world-class.
• JESSICA BIEL — Of all the celebrity ladies, we think she’d make the best climber.
• HENRY BARBER — Who better to test Swami belts with?
• JOE KINDER — He’s always really psyched.

PEOPLE WITH WHOM WE'D RATHER NOT

• JACK OSBOURNE — We saw your rock climbing video. We didn’t like it.
• THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE — The Situation might help you climb steep stuff, but it won’t make you less annoying.
• EDWARD SCISSORHANDS — Can you imagine a belay, much less a spot, from the dude?
• BEAR GRYLLS — His camera crew probably does all the climbing for him.
• TOM CRUISE — We don’t want to fi nd out you can’t really climb like you did in MI:2.
• EDWARD CULLEN — We’d rather not be seen with a tween heartthrob with a haircut like that.
• JUSTIN BIEBER — See above.
• VERTICAL LIMIT DUDE — He cut the rope. I mean, are you kidding me?!

“May I suggest yoga?” a friend politely proposed. I scoffed inwardly at the misguided suggestion. I continued reading his email reply to my explanation of discontent in dating within the climbing community. “Immerse yourself in this subculture and forget about the ‘climber’ chicks. Yogis all climb just enough to get it and think it’s cool, but they stretch more than they flex, so it’s the perfect balance for us.” I laughed, of course, and dismissed the email as a joke.

It’s a funny thing, dating, and it’s even funnier within the confines of the climbing community. I see both sides, of course. [Climbers who want nothing more than to share their passion with someone who appreciates rocks with the same intensity, and those who cannot find a good way to mesh the two and would just as soon end things with their guy or gal than teach them how to participate in the one activity they have away from their love life.] I’ve seen both groups bang their heads against the wall in tearful fits trying to achieve these goals, too. I can’t say I blame them, either. Finding a person you want to spend all your time with is diffi cult enough. Adding the requirement that you also want to see them without clothes on divides your prospective field right in half, and if you want that person to also be a climber, well… good luck.

It’s not impossible, though. I know plenty of happy climbing couples. Hell, my best friend is loading up with a pop-up camper truck to live in for the next year with his girl and his dog. Sounds pretty white-picket-fence to a bunch of you, doesn’t it? But dating climbers isn’t without risk. They say (however sarcastically) that in our bunch, you never lose your girlfriend; you only lose your turn. The idea being us guys are just fuck-ups who can’t hold onto anything but crystal crimps and rock grips. I’ve often wondered whether we’re just too self-absorbed as climbers to date each other, but I suspect that holds true to more people than just our outcast bunch of bandits. Certainly anyone with passion for anything finds their activity more fulfi lling (or easier) than trying to fill some gap in their life that requires a romantic partner, so it seems easier to half-ass that part of our lives.

Regardless, no one wants to live that way forever (unless you do), so there must be some way to find everything everyone seems to be looking for. Right? I can’t say I know anything for sure. However, I can tell you I now know Warrior 1 (and am learning Warrior 2).

—Andrew Tower

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