50 rules you should know before embarking on the great adventure
One road trip I took when I first started climbing left my car in a ditch on the side of the highway and me with no cell phone service. Another left a mule deer in the same spot after it managed to cave in my entire hood. Another stressed me out as I considered fighting one (or more) of my closest friends for being more annoying than I ever remembered. Yet another made me thankful I wasn’t the one with a broken ankle.
The list goes on and on. Cars break, people whine
or get hurt (or both), weather never cooperates, and
you really get to see your friends’ true colors when
things go awry, which can sometimes be a painful
and absolutely aggravating experience. Something
about being stuck in a car in the middle of nowhere
exacerbates problems, pet peeves, and the characteristics
in people that make them intolerable. Worst of
all is that aside from our perpetually road tripping
friends (see p. 66), these trips tend to coincide with
vacation, school breaks, or otherwise valuable time
that’s best not wasted on happenstance, annoying
acquaintances, and poor behavior.
At some point you
realize that road trips, more often than not, turn out
to be complete shit shows. It’s with this indelible
truth in mind that we compiled a list of rules for the
road. Many are truths we’ve learned firsthand, some
we’ve created to stop problems before they start, and
others are merely advice for you to follow on your
foray into the unknown, wide-open road. You may
not like some of them, but they are for your (and
your fellow travelers’) benefit.
1.No amount of planning
will make your trip go
smoothly.
2. Pay the camping and
climbing fees. If you
don’t like ‘em don’t climb
there.
3. Buy a guidebook.
4. Do not hook up with a
road trip member until
the last few days of the trip.
It’s not worth it. Trust us.
5. Don’t force others to
be responsible for your
dog. They all hate your dog.
6. Carry the rope occasionally.
7. While activities
involving jumping,
tequila, and
campfires sound
like good ideas,
we assure you
they are not.
8.Visiting the
desert in
the summer will
make you crazy.
On my first big road trip,
two fellow noobs and I
took off in an Astro van
and drove through Boulder,
Indian Creek, and Vegas to
Yosemite and then back
to Indian Creek. On our
second time around in
Indian Creek, it was hot (for
some reason we thought
June was a good time to go
to Indian Creek). We were
stir-crazy, sick of each other,
and we hadn’t seen a female
in three weeks. When
we visited a local ice cream
stand and found a pretty
girl working behind the
register, one intrepid member
of our climbing squad
made the effort to ask her
on a date that night. He
was told to call her later to
make official plans. When
he called hours later, he
was disappointed to hear
her mother’s voice on the
other end of the phone
(especially since he drove
the half hour to get reception).
He spoke with her
for nearly an hour, learning
about his prospective date’s
family. As he relayed this to
us over the camp fire upon
his return, we stared transfixed on four words that
seemed to hang above us
as they exited his mouth.
“She has six sisters.” The grins
from our faces were immovable
for nearly a minute after
he continued with, “and they
want us to come to a barbecue
tomorrow afternoon.”
We were raucous. Nothing
could go wrong. Damn the
heat and damn the climbing.
We were going to party and
have afternoon beers with
a family of hot women, but
like bad sex, the end came
too fast.
“We have to go to temple
with them beforehand
though, so I just told them
no.”
My psyche shrank into a
little angry ball as I sat lazily
in my camp chair in front of
the roasting fire. Dejected,
I stared into the embers as
a lick of flame flashed into
the shape of a woman and
back to nothing. I resolved
then and there never to travel
womanless again. A rule
I have not successfully followed
since. — Andrew Tower
9. Utilize rest days properly
10.Bringing a computer,
a good battery, and
a stack of climbing DVDs is
never a bad idea.
8 climbing scenes that will make your fingers sweat:
•Dan Osmond speed soloing–Masters of
Stone IV (Eric Perlman Productions)
•Parallelojam–Return
to Sender (Sender Films)
•Tommy Caldwell freeing the Nose and Free
Rider in a day–Dosage
IV (Big Up Productions)
•Alex Honnold onsighting the terrifying aréte in the Czech Republic–The Sharp
End (Sender Films)
•Emily Harrington in
Yangshuo, China–Players (BS Productions)
•Chris Sharma sending Es Pontas in King Lines (Big Up Productions)
•Matt Wilder on the Devil’s Thumb in CORE (Chuck Fryberger films)
•Any of the 14d ascents Dave Graham makes– Autoroute (Second
Chance Films)
11. Pro climbers are people too.
Top ten things to avoid saying to a “pro” climber when spotted at a crag
10. Chris Sharma flashed that last time he was here. How come you’re hanging on the
bolts? 9. Will you sign my forearms? 8. Where’s your tent? 7. Can I get a catch dude? 6. Where’s your hot girlfriend? 5. I saw on 8a that Adam Ondra is beating you now. How’d you let that happen? 4. (anything while they are actually climbing a route) 3. Can I interview you for my blog? 2. You’d really be into (insert your lame local crag). We got totally sick boulders and routes! You should totally roll through! You can stay at my place! 1. Can I get some free stuff?
12. AAA. Get it. Love it. Be thankful you have it.
I was traveling with three
friends to crush boulders in
Hueco Tanks. Just as I saw an
exit sign to Las Vegas, my van
began to make an unnerving
sound. I immediately knew
there was a problem and
pulled over. Breaking down
in Sin City would have been
fun, but we weren’t close to
Nevada; we were in Las Vegas,
New Mexico, population:
14,000.
Unfortunately, it was a Friday
and there were no shops open
in the tiny town during the
weekend. Which meant we
were stuck five hours from
both our home and our final
destination for the next two
days. Fortunately someone
had a AAA premier membership
and got us towed 122
miles to Albuquerque free
of charge.
AAA saved me hundreds of
dollars in towing fees and
pulled us closer to the climbing
in Hueco. Once we got to
Albuquerque, of course we
spent three days wandering
the streets on foot, but at
least we weren’t in BFE.
—Matt Segal
13. No one likes a tiny
bladder. Learn to
hold it. Or quit drinking so
much damn coffee.
14. That said, if the
driver doesn’t pull
over or provide a bottle, you
cannot be held responsible
for whatever happens.
15. Ask around before
you assume everyone
at the crag wants to
listen to Jay-Z on repeat
while they’re climbing.
16. If the location you
are traveling to is
cold enough to wear any
type of stocking cap, then
it’s certainly too cold to
take off your shirt at the
same time.
17. You will never spend the majority of your time
on a climbing trip actually climbing.
18. A road trip is considered
successful if
you climb more vertical feet
than miles you drove.
19. If you thought it
was a good idea to
tie your crash pads to the
roof of your Civic, you were
wrong.
20. Only two Bob Dylan
songs may be played
in a row.
21. Try to remain uninjured
until at least
the last week of your two-month-long road trip. It will
help prevent your partners
from resenting you for all
your whining.
22. Learn the words
“shotgun,” “seatback,”
and “I’m not sitting
bitch, I want the window!”
23. Figure out the sleeping arrangements before you leave the driveway.
Colette McInerney: "It's not cute to 'accidentally forget' your sleeping bag and ask to double up. It doesn't work, either!"
Angie Payne: "Anything that smells like an animal carcass must stay outside. This includes, but is not limited to, your shoes."
Alex Puccio: "FYI, hotels are always preferable. I have hair to straighten and legs to shave. How else do you think I look this good climbing?"
24. You can never take
too many photos.
That said, quit with the
buttshots.
25. Unless they’re
wearing Verve
shorts. That changes the
rule entirely.
26. If you get a speeding
ticket, it’s your
fault. You don’t ask your
passengers to split it.
27. The same does not
go for tolls.
28. Deodorant.
29. You will always
have one project
to finish on the final day
of your road trip. This
sucks.
30. On a road trip, a
day pass at a new
gym is worth the price of
not losing a day to rain
and inclement weather.
32. There are some events you just can't skip to go on a road trip.
33. One girl who is
liked by two boys
on the road trip makes for
awkward camping nights.
The same cannot be said
for one boy who is liked
by two girls on the road
trip because that situation
does not exist.
34. If your beers are visible
to others, you
will be asked for one. If it is
hidden, you are in charge
of who receives them.
32. There are some events
you just can’t skip to
go on a road trip.
35. Observe all crag
rules concerning
trash, drinking, glass, and
most of all, No. 2's.
36. The amount of
people who committed
to the road trip a
month prior will be cut by
50 percent within the week of
said trip.
37. The fun you have
will be the fun you
make. Stick to the things
you know and let the rest
just happen.
38. Enjoy your epic. You
will laugh about it
later.
39. Only in times of desperate
need should
one resort to hooking up
with a “crag hag.”
40. Do not drive
through more than
three states just to boulder
in Yosemite.
41. Let the hitchhikers
continue to walk.
They need the exercise.
42. If a local takes you
into their home for
one or more nights, you
need to provide one of the
following: a) 12-pack of beer
b) dinner at least one night
c) clean their home d) all of
the above
43. A jar of peanut butter
will solve most hunger
issues.
44. Do not burn your
toilet paper to
dispose of it, especially on
a dry day in the fall when
the ground is covered with
brittle leaf litter. Trust us.
45. If the gas station
burrito is having an
adverse affect on your digestive
system just roll the
window down. It’s better to
know and breathe than to
whiff and hate you.
46. The amount of belaying
you do shall
inversely correspond to
how much gas you paid for.
47. The amount of gas
you are required to
pay for shall directly correspond
to how much money
you get from mommy and
daddy.
48. Riding ‘shotty’ is a great privilege
that comes with great responsibility.
49. Don’t leave food
in your car/tent
when camping in the
following locations:
Yosemite, parts of
Utah, Wyoming,
Montana, or any
other place with
hungry bears.
50. Ladies on the
road trip have
their own set of rules… 1. Saying yes to a road trip
does not equal saying yes to
sleeping with you. 2. If I do put out, I pay for
less gas and get first dibs on
shotgun. 3. Showering for me is optional
but you must shower
at least once a week, more is
encouraged. 4. Girls do in fact poop and
fart, but you will pretend we
do not. 5. I can and will use my boobs
to get out of a speeding ticket,
so let me do the talking. Crying
is also an option. 6. It is possible for me to pee
in a bottle, just don’t ever ask
me to do it. 7. Yes, I do actually want to
stop at that cute little roadside
farmer’s market, so just
pull over. 8. I can change a flat tire and
navigate the map better than
you. I let you do both because
it lets you retain that weird
feeling of masculinity you
need to survive. 9. I am undoubtedly a better
driver, but I have magazines
to read. 10. Know your place, or you
will not be enjoying this road
trip.
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