Climber vocab, like urban slang, is an ever-changing beast about as stable as your psycho ex—you know, the one with the lazy eye, a handbag full of psych meds, and a “stalking problem.” So chiggidy-check it, p33pz: it’s 2010, and it’s no longer “hep” and “kewl” to spout antiquated nonsense like “Hey, daddy-o, megapoint me some cranker beta on this flingus mingosity.” Yes, that will make you sound like a “square” and a “narc,” and the “bouldering kids” will “piss on” you in their “blogs” until you turn into doo-doo nothingness. So, an update: how to talk proper 10 years into the new millennium, with the freshest, dopest terms the cool kids are using at the rox and on the Google, and how to employ them at the crankity, wankity, pimped-n-crimped crizzle-crags.

8a.nu’ing (v): Starting gibberish threads about “betas for trainings” and “international yellow card for topropings link-up sitstart: permission or yes?” in order to drive traffic to your site.

Yesterday, I was 8a.nu’ing and got 50 new hits on the blog for my discussion about Hans Jürgën Von Powerthrüst’s red-card, double-dip jessery dab on the 43rd retro-onsight of Kblyrznski-szynski.

alpining (v): Climbing anything in which conditions are miserable (read: frigid) enough to make most normal people stay home and watch the Dosage box set instead. Not to be confused with alpinism, which is walking up snow or something.

Maury wanted to go alpining today, but I told him the only time I go to the Park is when Upper Chaos is completely snow-free.

blogging (v): With only a few exceptions, publicizing on the Internet the (often) inconsequential, id-driven spray/slander that would get you shunned around the campfire.

Toby’s been blogging about how much he hates the thumb-catch on Poseur Prow. He got 40 comments just on that one post, though most suggested a variety of things to insert into his piehole.

bouldering (v): Aka pebble-wrestling—a very serious type of climbing in which the practitioners slap at the rock and make gorilla-sex noises before sliding off into the awaiting arms of “spotters,” who then place them lovingly atop “crashpad” mattresses. Note: the steeper the boulder and the smaller the holds, the more important the climber who holds onto them.

Darla loves bouldering so much she got a tattoo of the Midnight Lightning bolt across her forehead.

boyfriend/girlfriend (n): That Grigri-holding counterweight at the end of the rope to whom you might be nice to later if you send the proj.

What’s your girlfriend’s name again, bro? Do you think you could give me her number if you guys ever break up? She feeds slack really well.

climbing (v): Making contrived, fey little movements on the rock with your hands and feet in order to video it, photograph it, and come home that evening and blog about it.

Any of you losers wanna go climbing?

“chasing numbers” (phr): 1. An act publicly decried by the climbing community involving seeking out routes of increasing difficulty (and that are softly graded) that complement your strengths. Despite the fact that all of us, since Willo Welzenbach invented grades in 1926, are guilty of this tactic, the mudslinging continues.

Everyone knows Laura’s just chasing numbers with her flail-bob attempts at Pie in the Sky.

2. The attempts to attain attractive females’ phone numbers at the local indoorclimbing facility.

Everyone knows Stevie’s just chasing numbers with his attempts at Laura.

“climb your age” (phr): To climb, on the Yosemite Decimal System, the rating that corresponds to one’s age. Only practicable until you hit double digits, after which it becomes exponentially harder every year.

Did you hear that Sharma just climbed his age? I guess 5.29 is the new standard!

cryptic (adj): A route or problem you’re unable to onsight due to lack of vision, creativity, and/or strength. Often used when vertical feet ascended fail to match the myriad hand movements at a crux.

The undercling gaston and foot match to nipple-pinch rose cross of my new V-sickness is just too cryptic to onsight.

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